After a long winter, which, as is only fitting for Poland, was characterized by an absolute lack of sunshine and omnipresent grayness, the first signs of spring have appeared outside the window. And let’s be honest: they came in full force, from snowdrops to 17 degrees and a full-on blazing sun. The delight over this change can be heard in private conversations and seen all over the internet. We are all remembering that the will to live can actually be greater, and that our state from the past few weeks (months?) is not the default setting.
In this spirit, I went out for a walk today – to soak up the light, get some fresh air, and observe the changes in nature. But after a few minutes, I started getting a headache and felt nauseous. I felt so off that I actually considered going back home. But how could I? In this weather? Not take advantage of it? Not appreciate it? After 123 years of the Dark Ages? Eventually, the feeling subsided, but I continued to carefully observe my body as it struggled with the temperature spikes, the sudden shift in the amount of light, the laughter of children on the playground, the loud music pouring out of open windows, the multitude of smells, the different air humidity, and finally, the sheer number of people out on the streets.
My first reaction was guilt. How can you not be happy about the sun? About the approaching spring? About wearing a few kilos less clothing? It wasn’t until a moment later that I remembered it was exactly the same a year ago. The initial contact with the change was shocking, but after a week or two, everything went back to normal. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it. It’s not that I don’t want spring to come. It’s simply that my body and my nervous system need a little time to get used to these changes.
I believe it looks exactly the same in other situations, when we transition from one reality into another that is drastically different. Even when the former has long ceased to serve us, no longer nourishes us, and in fact restricts or harms us, the transition to the new isn’t always welcomed with open arms. Not necessarily because we don’t want it. It won’t always be some sophisticated self-sabotage. Sometimes we just need time to adjust to the new – even if this “new” is the best thing that could have ever happened to us.
That’s why, for now, I will mindfully draw my blinds, put on my noise-canceling headphones, and cut my walk short, knowing it’s only temporary. I know this won’t be a sign of being unappreciative. It’s not a display of hypocrisy, because it’s not about complaining about every single season. It’s about self-care, listening to your body, and accepting that everything has its own pace and we don’t owe anyone our enthusiasm.